It was literally the best day of my life. Me and Jacob were officially sealed as one. It didn't take long for Aunty Alice came galloping towards me and Jacob with a big grin on her face.
"Can i please show you the little gift i got you both now? Pretty please?" she said excitedly.
Jacob smiled ,"Okay Alice."
She blindfolded the both of us and led the way. It came as no surprise to me after the blindfolds were removed that we both stood in front of the most beautiful house I'd ever laid eyes on. There in front of me stood a three story wooden house. Alice knew myself and Jacob wanted to stay close to the family, and we were. They placed a beautiful house right next to mum and dad's.
"Alice! You shouldn't have" I said as I ran with excitement inside holding Jacob's hand.
"It's perfect' said Jacob as he hugged Alice.
We walked back outside to everyone waiting. Mum and Dad, Uncle Emmet , Uncle Jasper and Aunty Rosalie stood there with warm smiles as it was such a special moment for Me and Jacob.
"Well I guess me and Nessy shall make ourselves at home" said Jacob, as he humorously hinted for everyone to let us have some alone time. Nessy was my nickname everyone would call me. We all laughed while Dad stood there not laughing as much as we were.
"Lighten up Edward, our baby girl's all grown up, and in the best hands .Besides she's right next door" mum said.
Dad smiled and walked over to give me and Jacob both a hug before they all went back to clean up the wedding decorations. Jacob lifted me off the ground,
"Welcome home sweetheart"
I laughed as he carried me inside and took me upstairs to our beautiful bedroom. I walked over to the window and was absolutely amazed at the breathtaking view we had. The sun shone all over forks washington, the beautiful pink orange sun about to set on this most beautiful evening as Jacob walked over and wrapped his arms around me and joined me in dazing at the view. It was picture perfect, exactly how my life seemed. It was no ordinary afternoon in forks, today I went to sleep as Mrs Renesmee Black.
Next morning.
I sat in bed trying to not burst out in laughter listening to Jacob's snore. How did the whole of forks not hear this Werewolf ? It sounded like a broken washing machine. I felt humorous. I leaned over to him and blocked his nose with my fingers.
"NESSY!" he yelled.
I jumped out of bed and ran down the stairs laughing hysterically as he chased me from behind.
"Gotcha"
I tripped up as he grabbed me by the ankle. He sat on top of me ,tickling my feet on the living room floor. Jacob knew how much I hated being tickled. Dad and Mum walked in on Jacob bouncing up and down on me like a spring while I tried pulling his hair to get off.
"How romantic" Mum said sarcastically looking over to Dad.
"Yes, I don't rememember our honeymoon being this ...violent?" Dad replied scratching his head.
They both giggled.
"Mum, Dad! So good to see yous."
I punched Jacob in the stomach and he finally got off. I walked over and hugged them.
"Nessy sweetheart, why won't you just take our offer of having a proper Honeymoon where your Father and I had. It's just such a magical island. You really are missing out."
Mum and Dad were still trying to convince Jacob and I to have a romantic Honeymoon get away prior to the wedding, but we both politely declined their offer simply because it wasn't our thing. Everyday loving Jacob was my honeymoon.
"Mum, seriously it's fine. This place, Jacob , everyone around me makes life magical." " Ugh, what's that smell?"
Jacob giggled from behind me. "Sorry"
"Gross Jacob! Way to kill the moment." We both laughed at eachother while Mum and Dad looked at us confused laughing about Jacob's farting incident.
"I will never understand what you have going on with eachother but I do know you both are meant to be."
"Thanks Dad." I hugged him again.
*phone rings.
"I'll get that" Jacob said running up the stairs to where the phone was.
I just have some grammar stuff for you.
ReplyDeleteIn general you need to look at your commas and spacing it's a small think but it disturbs the reader. Some places a comma is lacking but I think you should up the rules and then have a critical look yourself.
You are often missing the correct punctuation e.g. ""Welcome home sweetheart" he said."
There need to be a comma after sweetheart.
You need to have Capital I:
""Can i please show you the little gift i got you both now?..."
In this sentence you should delete the s in yous.
"Mum, Dad! So good to see yous."
Besides that I feel like something is missing in the story. It's just a bit to happy, if you know what I mean?
I'm missing the drama that's in the original books.
Hola!
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind but I think, grammar wise, it'll be easier to nitpick through this sentence by sentence. So here we go.
It was literally the best day of my life. Me and Jacob were officially sealed as one. It didn't take long for Aunty Alice came galloping towards me and Jacob with a big grin on her face.
So I'm assuming that Renesmee is not a teenager being that she is married to Jacob black and all, but I noticed that, she seems to act a lot like one, which seems a bit at odds with her supposedly being married and everything. When you say it was literally, she sounds very tween-ish which doesn't seem to suit, try using another word like, overwhelmingly, by far etc:
Me and Jacob, should be Jacob and I. Vampires are quite intelligent creatures so she would speak properly I imagine.
It didn't take long for Aunty Alice came galloping towards... There are words missing from this. You can fix it two ways and either say
1. for aunty alice TO COME galloping OR
2. take long UNTIL Aunty WAS galloping
Also try to avoid repetition of phrases as it cause the story to become boring. So you already mentioned Jacob and I in the first line so instead of saying galloping toward me and jacob, just say galloping toward us. We already know that she is going toward alice and jacob from the first line.
It came as no surprise to me after the blindfolds were removed that we both stood in front of the most beautiful house I'd ever laid eyes on.
You don't need to say "we both stood" just "we stood" is enough. because by saying "we", the reader already understands that it is not just renesmee standing there by herself.
"Alice! You shouldn't have" I said as I ran with excitement inside holding Jacob's hand.
There should be a full stop after 'have'.
I felt humorous.
I think what would suit for the above sentence is not humorous, it's such an odd way to describe how one is feeling. You probably want something like 'cheeky' instead.
*phone rings.
This is a completely strange thing to put into a story. If you want the reader to know the phone is ringing, then you say, "The phone began ringing" or something along those lines.
I don't know if you typed this straight onto blogger or wrote it in word document first, but if you didn't do the latter, then I suggest you do and then copy and paste into blogger from word. It's much easier and word will point out and help fix A LOT of the grammatical issues.
I agree with Mille, in that there is something missing from this. Right from the start, I'm not sure what point in time this is after Breaking Dawn. I'm not sure how far in the future you've gone and I'm not sure what the driving point of the story is. There is no action that seems to take place. This doesn't mean that you need some epic fight scene or something big to happen, it just needs to have something that the plot of the story is centred around to make it flow more easily. To give it direction. That's the word. Direction. It doesn't seem to have any direction, it just seems like it's a random bit of story thrown into a random place if that makes sense.
Other than that, good effort. =)
Hi Marie. Reading through your fanfic, i picked up on a lot of spelling and grammatical errors, but all you need to do is re-read your fanfic and you will easily pick up on it. I know you have been typing straight into Blogger, which i had also done; but doing it first on Word is much more convenient. The auto-correct will pick up on all those mistakes, so then just copy and paste it from there to Blogger.
ReplyDeleteI do however enjoy this fanfic. I'm not the biggest fan of Twilight but i do know it is quite a dramatic and serious series. I like how you have decided to flip it upside down by making Jacob and Nessy a much more fun couple, as supposed to the serious and intense relationship between Edward and Bella. It is a fresh and new angle to take, i don't find anything wrong in that.
Just work on the mistakes made, sentence structure and paragraph layout.
Awesome stuff Marie :)
Thanks again everyone for the feedback ! Yes that was my big downfall where I wrote everything straight on to blogger rather then from a word Doc. In terms of this story having 'no direction' and no 'drama' , it's not suppose to. It's pretty much a day in a life of Jacob and Renesmee , I wanted readers to pick up on how they differ so much from Bella and Edward who would typically exaggerate how beautiful one is in a long paragraph. apart from that all your feedback's have given me a better out look once again. Thank you
ReplyDelete