I think it's a bit dull the twilight saga ended on a weird note, it wasn't actually certain that Bella and her little family will be protected forever. but here's my little in take of what I would've like to have happened with Renesmee and Jacob. I am not at all creative so bare with me lol.
Speaking from Renesmee's POV.
It was literally the best day of my life. Me and Jacob were officially sealed as one. It didn't take long for Aunty Alice came galloping towards me and Jacob with a big grin on her face.
"Can i please show you the little gift i got you both now? Pretty please?" she said excitedly.
Jacob smiled ,"Okay Alice."
She blindfolded the both of us and led the way. It came as no surprise to me after the blindfolds were removed that we both stood in front of the most beautiful house I'd ever laid eyes on. There in front of me stood a three story wooden house. Alice knew myself and Jacob wanted to stay close to the family, and we were. They placed a beautiful house right next to mum and dad's.
"Alice! You shouldn't have" I said as I ran with excitement inside holding Jacob's hand.
"It's perfect' said Jacob as he hugged Alice.
We walked back outside to everyone waiting. Mum and Dad, Uncle Emmet , Uncle Jasper and Aunty Rosalie stood there with warm smiles as it was such a special moment for Me and Jacob.
"Well I guess me and Nessy shall make ourselves at home" said Jacob, as he humorously hinted for everyone to let us have some alone time. Nessy was my nickname everyone would call me. We all laughed while Dad stood there not laughing as much as we were.
"Lighten up Edward, our baby girl's all grown up, and in the best hands .Besides she's right next door" mum said.
Dad smiled and walked over to give me and Jacob both a hug before they all went back to clean up the wedding decorations. Jacob lifted me off the ground,
"Welcome home sweetheart" he said.
I laughed as he carried me inside and took me upstairs to our beautiful bedroom. I walked over to the window and was absolutely amazed at the breathtaking view we had. The sun shone all over forks washington, the beautiful pink orange sun about to set on this most beautiful evening as Jacob walked over and wrapped his arms around me and joined me in dazing at the view. It was picture perfect, exactly how my life seemed. It was no ordinary afternoon in forks, today I went to sleep as Mrs Renesmee Black.
Next morning.
I sat in bed trying to not burst out in laughter listening to Jacob's snore. How did the whole of forks not hear this Werewolf ? It sounded like a broken washing machine. I felt humorous. I leaned over to him and blocked his nose with my fingers.
"NESSY!" he yelled.
I jumped out of bed and ran down the stairs laughing hysterically as he chased me from behind.
"Gotcha"
I tripped up as he grabbed me by the ankle. He sat on top of me ,tickling my feet on the living room floor. Jacob knew how much I hated being tickled. Dad and Mum walked in on Jacob bouncing up and down on me like a spring while I tried pulling his hair to get off.
"How romantic" Mum said sarcastically looking over to Dad.
"Yes, I don't rememember our honeymoon being this ...violent?" Dad replied scratching his head.
They both giggled.
"Mum, Dad! So good to see yous."
I punched Jacob in the stomach and he finally got off. I walked over and hugged them.
"Nessy sweetheart, why won't you just take our offer of having a proper Honeymoon where your Father and I had. It's just such a magical island. You really are missing out."
Mum and Dad were still trying to convince me and Jacob to have a romantic Honeymoon get away prior to the wedding, but we both politely declined their offer simply because it wasn't our thing. Everyday loving Jacob is my honeymoon.
"Mum, seriously it's fine. This place, Jacob , everyone around me makes life magical. Ugh, what's that smell?"
Jacob giggled from behind me. "Sorry"
"Gross Jacob! Way to kill the moment." We both laughed at eachother while Mum and Dad looked at us confused laughing about Jacob's fart incident.
"I will never understand what you have going on with eachother but I do know you both are destined for one another."
"Thanks Dad." I hugged him again.
*phone rings.
"I'll get that" Jacob said running up the stairs to where the phone was.
P.s I'm an amateur at this incase you guys are harsh critics. haha But please give me a few pointers in what you think i need to re-do. :)
ReplyDeleteOkay so first thing I think is just the paragraph structure. Everything is kinda one big piece if writing which makes it a bit hard to read, especially the dialogue. So separating the spoken speech onto separate lines would be good.
ReplyDeleteThe second thing is that, even though the whole twilight saga is quite well known, I feel that you should give a little more of a back story. Not of the saga itself but more of like, what has happened in the time since the fourth book and the what you're writing. It gets quite confusing without having a sense of how much time has passed since the end of the fourth book you know? Plus I think it would be good to perhaps mention that Renesmee has gotten married, because at the start I have no idea how old she is and how much time has passed and it's a bit confusing to kind of place and put the story in context.
That's pretty much all I have to say besides some spelling errors that I noticed.
Other than that good start.
=)
Thanks Monique ! cool I will definately take this in to consideration for my next few drafts. I didn't realy know how to bring in the wedding thing without sounding a bit boring. All i could think of was " I got married today." So yes and my structure is one I lack. The spelling errors I noticed as soon as I pressed publish which is a rookie mistake haha but apart from that I hope my following post will bring this up a notch. Thanks :)
ReplyDeleteBe careful that you don't start you sentences in the same way twice for instance in the beginning: "It was literally the best day of my life. It wasn't..."
ReplyDeleteRemember your grammar "i" should be spelled "I". And this isn't written correctly: Jacob smiled and said " okay Alice."
I would write it" said, "Okay, Alice." "
You should be careful repeating yourself: "It was no surprise to me as we both removed our blindfolds that we both stood in front of the most beautiful..."
The sentence doesn't work for me. Maybe change it to something like" It came as no surprise when the blindfolds were removed that we were standing in front of the most beautiful..."
Who is Nessy?
I like the last part of you story. You just need to look at the whole story again with fresh eyes :)